I'm Always In This Twilight
by messy heart
Summary: He can't be the reason why she doesn't smile anymore. Post-iOMG.


"I really am sorry."

He looks up from his equipment, in the middle of a desperate attempt to refocus himself on his shared project with Brad. She's not looking at him, though, but rather the tips of her shoes. It's the second time in as many hours that she's told him that word. Sorry. He wonders if she thinks that saying it more often would make everything go back to the way it was.

There's no going back from this.

"Why'd you do it?"

He's not really looking for any specific answer, because she's never been able to give him a direct one before. His eyes follow her as she finds her old seat, the one she occupied before everything changed. She still refuses to look at him and instead continues to play with that water bottle she's been clutching tightly since she came in.

"_Because_." The hesitation undoes him a little. She shakes her head. "Like your stupid _working_ app said... I love you."

She finally looks at him then, eyes so full of emotion that he's never once associated to her. He opens his mouth to say something, but he doesn't have any words. At least none that will fit.

"I'm sorry," he tries but even as the words leave his lips, he wants to take them back. They're all wrong, he knows. Just as he knows that he's made everything worse.

She gives him a brave a smile and it's the worst smile he knows that it's the worst smile he'll ever witness in his life. "That's okay, Freddork. No harm done." She leaves.

And somehow she takes everything with her.

...

They try their best to get everything back to normal. Carly is obviously disappointed with the outcome but says nothing. Instead she plies them with movie nights and fatcakes and awful jokes. Brad and Gibby are, thankfully, clueless.

Sometimes when they're sitting around in the Shays' living room, he can feel her eyes on him. But by the time he looks at her, she's looking at something else entirely.

She doesn't smile anymore. Doesn't laugh as much.

He needs to not be reason.

...

"I didn't think it'd be so hard." It's the most that she's said to him in a month and he doesn't even understand what she's trying to tell him.

They're alone in the studio where only moments ago they were shooting silly videos to update the website with. No longer can he hide behind the shield that is Carly, Gibby and Brad, for the three have gone off a while ago.

She's sitting on one of the bean bags, looking impossibly small. "I thought it would be easier, you know? I guess I'm wrong about a lot of things."

"What are you talking about?"

"I still love you and it's weird."

He shakes his head and wonders how much of an asshole leaving her there would make him. "Why are you telling me these things?" he asks because he would rather have her kicking the shit out of him or shouting at him or any of the other typical behavior he's long associated to her.

"I don't know." She shrugs. "Because you know what it's like, right?"

"What?"

"Loving someone who doesn't love you back."

...

He doesn't know why he does it. It starts at Brad's house one summer afternoon, splashing around in his pool. They do stupid contests like who can hold their breath the longest and who can do the most number of laps in however many minutes.

By the time evening comes, they're all wet and tired but high on good spirits. It's while they're roasting marshmallows over Brad's dad's grill when she smiles at him. It's soft and genuine and unlike any of the smiles she's ever given him before.

He offers to walk her home and without thinking really, he slips his hand in hers and it's warm and it's right. He feels her looking at him again but he just smiles and keeps his eyes straight ahead.

When they're finally standing outside her door, she's suddenly on her tiptoes pressing her lips against him and smiles up at him before going inside.

He goes home smiling.

...

"I love you," she tells him and it shines in her eyes.

"I love you, too."

...

It's not at all complicated. In fact, having her as a girlfriend has uncomplicated his life greatly. Carly is infintely less tense and Brad and Gibby are still clueless. Spencer claims that he saw it coming a long time ago—something that makes everyone rolls their eyes.

Her smiles are back and they're brighter and her laugh is back and he's so proud that it's because of him. He quickly grows accustomed to having her in his life in the capacity of girlfriend though she claims to hate the label. She's still rude and makes no apologies for who she is or what she says or does. Except now, when she says something particularly cutting, she'll soften it by squeezing his hand or wrapping an arm around his waist.

Her pranks on him have mellowed somewhat and his reaction to them has mellowed, too. He's no longer irritated to find that his closet is full of shoes missing the other half because she'll show up an hour later with a smoothie and a map to the location of his lost shoes. Somehow it's perfect. He doesn't expect her to be, but she is.

His mother thinks that she's the worst thing that's ever happened to him. He doesn't really care.

Her smiles are back. He cares about that.

...

He doesn't mean to eavesdrop on their conversation. It's purely accidental and he didn't even know that she and Carly would be in the studio with Girly Cow on the television.

"—breaking up?" he catches Carly ask and his hand still on the doorknob before he can open the door the whole way. "Why are you breaking up with Freddie? You guys have been ridiculously cute! Absolutely adorkable!"

She sighs softly. "Because... It's not working. Not the way I thought it would."

Her words him, a jackhammer to his heart.

"I don't understand," Carly says, echoing his own emotions.

There's a long silence that's filled with too much meaning and it engulfs him, turning his palms sweaty and making his knees weak.

"I know. But it'll be okay, Carls. Don't worry."

She says it like it's the simplest thing ever. Like it didn't just shatter his world.

...

"I heard what you told Carly," he tells her one night. They're in his room, cuddling on his bed while watching stupid action flick. There's a part of him that's screaming not to go there, not to start this conversation if he's not ready to see it through. But it's too late and she's looking up at him with surprise.

She's pulling away from him and sits on her knees while biting on her lower lip. "I'm sorry."

"If this is about Carly—"

Her hands are on his, and he stops to look at her. There's a small smile on her lips. A sad one and he doesn't know how he does it. How he makes her give all these awful smiles.

"That's not it..."

"Then what is it?"

"You don't love me."

It's at the tip of his tongue to say that he can try to learn that they can make it work but immediately after the thought enters his mind realizes how wrong it all sounds. Because the automatic response should have been a denial. He should be angry, should be hurt. But all he feels is ashamed.

"I'm sorry."

She leans over and gives him a tight hug. When she moves back that painfully brave smile is on her face again and it tears at him more than anything she could ever say. Except she says, "That's okay, Freddork. No harm done."

When she leaves, she takes everything with her.

...

One day, he opens his closet and all his shoes are missing the other half. Taped to one is a piece of paper with handwritten instructions.

There's a smiley face drawn at the bottom and it makes his day.

...

**Author's Note:**

I started working on this after I wrote Life Goes On. I had thought to maybe write a companion fic to it with Freddie's POV instead but decided against that. It's the same sad ending, but a different premise altogether.

I don't know why I insist writing angsty post-iOMG fics. I guess I'm psyching myself out so that I won't be disappointed with the next episode—whenever that happens. But I seriously have to stop the angst fic :/ I don't even know why I write them!

This is the last one-shot until I'm able to update Nate and Olivia which should be fairly soon.

Title is from Florence and the Machine's Comic Love.


End file.
